the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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