OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
