does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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