everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
