I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
