I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
