Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
