I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I want her autograph on my taint
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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