Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
