Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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