got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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