she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
