I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
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sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
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I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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