I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
