Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
