Moan for me like Helen Keller
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
