I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
