Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
