haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
grandma shit on top of the toilet
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
it's like heaven, but drunker
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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