Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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