Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
