she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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