Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
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i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
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Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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