I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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