WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
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He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
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I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize