I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
