Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
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