I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch