see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
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We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
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I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
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After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.