he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.