just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
