I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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