So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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