Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
