I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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