I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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