i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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