Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
