I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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