Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
