I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
