Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
