it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
