my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i was born a porn star she said
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
