i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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