Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
