non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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