can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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