I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
