I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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