Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I checked into jail on foursquare
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
