i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
