While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
