i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
