I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
