I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
