my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
